There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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