Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Randomize
