So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
