watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
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