so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
