Your mouth is God's brothel.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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