I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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