I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
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Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
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We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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