Swine flu. Run for my life!
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
