That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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