What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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