i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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