if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
my phone needs a breathalizer
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
