Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
