The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
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