She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
