All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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