The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
