if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
