I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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