My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
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