Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
i think we sleep fucked last night...
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
