i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
