don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
