I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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