I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
