My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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