I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
