she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
