Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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