im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
