I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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