while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize