They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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