cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Randomize
