If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
