I haven't been this sober since birth.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
