btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
