Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
