Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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