took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
