I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Randomize
