in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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