Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I skipped work to stalk him.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
