He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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