uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
