I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
