someone threw a dead crab at me
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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