I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Randomize
