after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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