Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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