was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
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