capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
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