I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
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We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
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He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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