like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
