I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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