Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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