i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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