I accidentally burped into my bong.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
