I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
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i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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